My name is Harry Richter. Im 25 years old and I live with my parents (mum is dying) and I work at a video store and Im working on a new book which I will probably be releasing soon. My spelling and stuff usually is pretty good but not always. All views that I write in here are mine only
Tuesday 19th June 2012
I decided to start keeping a diary. Ive been having some pretty sweet thoughts of late and I think that I could be some sort of genius or something. I wish Id started taking a diary earlier than today because I had some really good thoughts last week that I cant remember now
Anyway.. I started writing a book about a month ago. I quite like the idea.. its pretty powerful. Its about a guy who is depressed… like, hes sick and tired of his life. He has no friends he hates his job … but eventually he gets put into a consentration camp (Im gonna say Aushwitsz because although I know there were others thats the only one that I know the name of). This really pisses him off at first and he feels even worse than before. But then he meets a woman in there and they fall in love and have a really good time together. In fact she is pretty depressed as well and they both have the best time of their lives in the camps.. until the end when they die together in a gas chamber. I think its a good idea because it shows how love can prevail anywhere… like I said its pretty powerful.
I saw something today on the internet about a writing workshop in Lincoln. Ill need to get on the train and the journey will take about an hour but thats fine. It would be good to go and get some feedback for my book idea. The workshop will be 25th June which is monday. Im quite excited for it. Im gonna be a bit like a big fish in a little pond of writers
Thursday 21st June 2012
I was thinking more about mum today. Im sad that shes gonna to die but that makes me feel guilty because she keeps telling me that she is looking forward to dying now. Her and dad are always saying that people dont look at death in the right way… they tell me that people are afraid of dying when really they should be excited for it, because it sets you free from suffering. But how do they know that they wont suffer after they die and suffer even more? I dunno but they seem pretty convinsed of themselves.
Dad said that dying is as beautiful as birth. He said that its a normal part of life and we should celebrate it. Him and mum … theyve been drinking champaine and wine all week because mum says that she wants to enjoy the end of her life as much as she possibly can. She said that she wants her last days to be like her funeral because when she was younger she decided that she wanted to go to her own funeral. I feel bad saying it because shes my mum and shes dying and I do love her … but I think shes an idiot. The doctors said that they would be able to cure her and help her to stay alive for at least a year or two. But she says that she would rather just die because shes tired of being a sick old lady. I guess that makes sense but I think its pretty dark. Mum is quite brave
And I know death is just what happens in life and that I shouldnt be afraid of it. Im not looking forward to it though … thats too weird.
I finished work early tonight. People dont rent dvds anymore because they go on netflix.. I think the shop might even shut down soon.. nobody ever comes in ever. Maybe I should start looking for another job
Sunday 24th June 2012
I have the writing workshop tomorrow. Ive been wondering what its going to be like!! Im quite excited really. I have this idea in my head where I will tell them all my idea and they will be really excited and someone will tell me they wanna publish it. That would be pretty frigging sweet
Mum talked to me about dying again today. She said that death is a natural and healthy thing and that we shouldnt feel bad for people who have died. Then she said that shed rather die peasefully in her sleep tonight than die in two years time in a hospital with doctors putting volts through her. The nurse is at the house everyday now though and shes always filling mum up with painkillers. Mum must want to die comfortably and in as tidy a way as possible.. I guess.
Monday 25th June 2012
I went to the workshop and they hated my idea.. They HATED it!!! They told me I was being insensitive about the holocaust and that consentration camps were loveless places and that my story couldnt have happened because men and women were seperated in the camps and they couldnt have even met.
Writing the book is a waste of time. Ive got half way through it but Im gonna stop writing it now because its wasting my time and the idea sucks. Im on the train home now and Ive got this notepad that Im writing my diary in and the big notepad Ive been using to write my book in. Im thinking about destroying that notepad but then again I might use it to write something else in there. Im just gonna keep hold of it for now and see what happens.
Im really pissed off. FUCK! It really sucks that they hated my idea so much. I dunno what Im gonna do about it. Maybe there wrong? Maybe there not on the same wavelenth as me? But if men and women were seperated in the camps then the idea is pretty screwed to be honest
I completely forgot about it today but I had a counselling session tonight. I was almost late but arrived just in time. Lucy was surprised to hear that Id started writing a book … she said that the workshop not liking it shouldnt stop me from though. She says that my story isnt completely rubbish and that I should give myself a bit more credit and maybe try to improve ir. And then she said that I seem to have enjoyed the process of writing the book and that it wouldnt do any harm if I wrote the book without showing it to anybody. Its a pretty good point and I did have fun writing it … but its a waste of time. Whats the point in writing a book that nobody is ever gonna read? Its a waste of time. I may as well do something useful but I dont know what
I spoke to Lucy about the holocaust as well. She said that the holocaust is kinda like a symbol for all the shitty things that people can do. So when we remember the holocaust we really remember all the bad things that people have done in the past… so nazis gassing jews and all of that stuff. Lucy said she thinks that maybe the reason people didnt like my idea was because people think that putting love in one of the camps … it kinda makes the camps seem not as bad. People feel sensitive about that and they think its important to make sure we remember just how bad humans can be so then we can try and stop anything like that happening again.
But its not as if newspapers and tv news dont remind us over and over about how bad people are is it? There must be at least one murder reported every frigging day.. I dont think theres any danger of us forgetting how bad people can be.
I told Lucy that it was confusing for me. Because my mum is dying and I keep getting told to feel okay about that when its hard. But then we talk about the holocaust and Im told to feel really bad about people dying there. Is that not two different things? I mean.. I should feel bad about the holocaust but not about my mum? I dont know. I dont even have anything to do with the holocaust. Lucy did tell me this though…. in the camps some of the prisoners would tell jokes and read poetry together. Some of the prisoners even laghed together a little bit.. in the consentration camp!! Thats pretty nice to know. I mean.. I could be in the shittiest place of all time and still I could be able to lagh. I might not lagh … but I’ll be able to lagh. And thats good to know.
And it reminds a little bit of my story now that I think about it. About love still existing even in one of the camps … its similar to that thing about people still being able to lagh in there. Because laghing is good and so is love! Still.. if men and women were seperated then the idea doesnt work. But what if I made it a gay couple? People would still think its insensitive to the holocaust I reckon
Friday 29th June 2012
I havent written in my diary since monday … Mum died on tuesday morning and I didnt really feel like writing. Well the idea of writing didnt even cross my mind. Its been quite a hard few days but I feel better now. The funeral is on Sunday morning. It will be a small little thing with just dad and me.. she is getting cremated.
Except for when I was at work I spent the last few days with my dad and I think we spoke more in these few days than we have in my whole life. He said that hes happy for mum because she is free (Im still not quite getting this) but he misses her. He has been really happy though! He hasnt been depressed or nothing … we went to the pub together and he asked me to tell him about my book. I didnt wanna tell him but now Im glad that I did.
He actually really liked my idea. He thinks its intresting. I explained to him that I couldnt write it though because people are sensitive when it comes to the holocaust … but he disagreed. He told me about Martin Luther king.. dad said that he cheated on his wife which I didnt know. Dad told me that Martin Luther king is a symbol for pease and community but that doesnt mean we cant ever know about the bad things that he has done too! And in the same way consentration camps cant have been completely without love … thats just unrealistic. Thats what dad said anyway… but dad doesnt really know a lot about writing and things.. so I dont really know what to think about that but it has definitely made me feel better about writing my book.. even if I dont show it to anyone I think I could have some fun writing it. Why not? Its a good way to keep busy and it distracts me from being sad about mum.
Monday 2nd July 2012
We have an urn with mums ashes in it. Its very nice looking made out of gold and with loads of cool things engraved into it like fairylooking creatures and stuff like that. I think mum and dad had been saving up for it for quite a while before she died. Its quite creepy having it hanging around the house.. its like shes there but at the same time … shes not. Its weird but thats okay. Im already kinda used to the fact that shes gone because Ive known that she was going to die for quite a while.
I had a counselling session with Lucy again and I spoke to her more about dying. I told her that the reason people feel so uncomfortable talking about the holocaust is because of all the death and people are just uncomfortable with death. But Lucy didnt agree. She said that it isnt the death but the manner of the death that makes people uncomfortable talking about the holocaust. Strangely this made me feel pretty good because I felt happy that my mum was able to die in such a happy way. I realised that dying really is a natural and even healthy part of life and its something that happens to everyone. Mum died in a really nice way now that I think about it. Especially when I think about the camps … what a horrible way to die! But Lucy said that death set those prisoners free. The pain and torture of the camps … fuck! I dont even wanna think about it. But when they died… all of that suffering stopped. The nazis could take everything away from the prisoners down to their shoes and socks but they couldnt take away their death and they couldnt take away their laghter. And those survivers … Dog gunnit! They must have felt so good when it was all over and they left the camps. I can only imagine. But then… I think how much I miss my mum… the survivers must miss a lot of their friends quite a lot. And maybe some of them were still injured after? Maybe… probably even!
But it still seems a little strange that we think it is so important to remember the holocaust. I remember Brian telling me at school that the holocaust wasnt the only time in history where loads of people were killed for no reason. But why do we remember the holocaust and not any of them other ones? I don’t know any other things like that… like.. Genoside! That’s the word I was looking for (Lucy said it today). I dont know of any other genoside other than the holocaust! If Brian was telling the truth and there have been other genosides … then its really strange that we choose to remember this one rather than any of the others. What is so special about the holocaust? Hmmmm! I dont know.
Theres something really nice about writing like this… just writing whatever comes to mind. Its kinda like counselling where I let myself say whatever comes to mind. I told Lucy about me writing this diary and she thinks its a good idea . Thats nice for me.
Tuesday 3rd July 2012
Dad says hes going to go to travel round India for a few months… he asked me if I wanted to go but I dont wanna so Im not gonna (go to India). Dad always tries to have fun at every minute. I dont understand how he manages to stay so happy so much! I cant do that. Im glad for him that he can though. I was a bit worried that he was going to be upset about mum for a while but hes really strong.
At work tonight I thought about getting some dvds about the holocaust.. Like schindler’s list or something. Ive never watched anything about it except a bunch of documentaries on the tv about nazis. There was one about Eichman… Cant remember his full name (keep thinking hes called Adolf but thats Hitler). There was a guy talking about him and how he wasnt evil he was just really stupid. He wanted promotions and things like that and ordered loads of jews to die not because he hated them but because it was his job. I dont think that this makes me feel sorry for him… he still did evil stuff. But maybe if people thought for themselves more instead of just blindly taking orders then things would be better. I dont think the video store will ask me to kill anybody any time soon though so I shouldnt worry about that.
It makes me wonder though.. are people born evil? I mean if Eichman did it because he was taking orders and he wasnt really evil… well what about Hitler? It was his idea so maybe hes the evil one.. but he cant have been like that his whole life can he? So when he was a baby… was he born of a jackal or some shit? I doubt it. I bet he was a cute little baby just like I was.. but how the heck did he turn out so bad? I watched a documentary about Hitler once too… apparently he was a vegetarian! Maybe that wasnt a documentary actually… I think a friend told me that. But apparently he was a vegetarian and an animal lover which makes no sense when you think about what he did (nice to animals but not other people)
And when I think about myself… I mean I havent killed anyone but I used to kill ants when I was little and I eat meat which I guess is quite mean. Maybe Hitler wouldve thought I am evil? Whos to say? But still.. I dont understand how somebody could do that. Its a tough one… I just dont think it is so simple to be able to say that someone is good or evil.
To kill another person though.. it seems stupid. I mean how can someone think that another person should die just because of what they believe or what they look like? Thats stupid. I wonder why Hitler hated jews so specifically… Hmmmm. It just seems stupid to me.. but what can I do? Kill all the stupid people? No because thats stupid. Maybe we should get better at teaching people.. If everybody was taught about the holocaust in school would that be better? I dont know. Teaching people to be less scared of death would be good… but maybe then more people would start killing themselves? I dont know. I think that learning about the holocaust would be good but I just dont get why its the holocaust that Im obsessed with!! We should learn about how good and evil isnt so straight forward I think. I wonder if teachers and people like that even talk about this kind of thing? I wish I could see Lucy today